The Truth Will Set You Free

Walls Within is dedicated to Kori Dawn Marrone, a KAD I knew in high school who graduated two years ahead of me. If she were alive today she would be 50 years old. Instead, in 1995, the year I graduated from high school, she took her life.

I was one of the last few people who saw her alive, but said nothing to her and to no one about her situation. I used to deliver food trays to a hospital, and one day I walked into the long-term locked psychology ward and she was there. Over the course of time that I saw her there, I saw her slowly deteriorate. The last day I saw her still haunts me. She was so checked out... she was already gone.

I have shared this story after keeping it to myself for 30 years, and some have said to me "It's not your fault" to which I fully understand but do appreciate their sentiment despite them missing the mark entirely. In no way have I ever felt I could have done something to help her or save her. I was 17 years old and bound by the non-disclosure rules of my job at the hospital. It was not my place to interact with her or do anything different than what I have done. It is extremely frustrating but factual reality of the situation.

What I have learned over the years is that people are going to do what they want to do. I have tried to "save" other people and the fact is, people who are suffering and tormented need to want to save themselves. You can't control what others do, only what you do. While in Korea, towards the tale-end of my time there, I landed in a situation not unlike a few others I have experienced before. I witnessed panic, distress, and hasty choices made that make me shake my head as I replay what occurred now writing this to all of you, and none of those were exhibited by the one who I was told was the high-risk person in question. In fact, when I arrived, the washing machine was going and that detail stands out to me. This person was just doing their laundry.

In any case, that moment passed, I did what I could to calm the situation and others around me, then stepped back and went back to where I was staying... Because I did all that I could do and people are going to do what they want to do, and the only thing that prevents it is themselves.

Someone said afterwards that I was reached out to in confidence by the one considered high-risk because they sensed my trauma. I disagree. They reached out to me because they sensed my compassion, calm and ability to listen to understand without passing judgement. That is the person I have spent many years now becoming and being. All my close friends know this about me. They and I know who I am.

I was asked not to speak about any of the incident but it is not in my nature when I see unjust, unfair and wrong behavior, but I give no further details, just some insight gleaned from all of my considerable life experiences...

Sometimes the walls we create within do not protect and save us, but prevent and stop us, and become projections of our own fears and beliefs onto others providing false knowledge and misunderstanding. We must take care when situations arise not to let panic and our own fears consume and drive our choices. In short, we must slow down, stop and think, not rush into things presuming to know without investigating first. Asking questions is always best. And remembering that ultimately, the choices others make are theirs to make, no matter how much you may disagree with them.

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I shared the aforementioned in some Korean adoptee FB groups and people reached out and wrote to me wanting to talk with me about themselves or someone they knew. This was medicine for both them and I. I welcomed their need and desire to connect and speak about this taboo subject, but what I discovered just today is that my many of my posts were deleted in several groups or were simply not even allowed to be shared.

The ironic thing about censorship and deleting posts about topics that make some people feel uncomfortable is that those responses don't make these problems, issues and outcomes be resolved healthily or dissipate. Censorship simply communicates to people who are suffering that their issues are not welcome to be discussed openly, further stigmatizing them and what they are going through while further isolating them by creating an environment where they feel there is no one to turn to for support. Why must such topics be discussed privately and be hidden away from others? Why do we think that only some "professional" can be the one who can help support and comfort someone who is suffering? Why do we allow this thinking to dictate our actions, which ultimately communicates that it's a problem someone else should deal with?

This "kindness" and so-called consideration for some people's unresolved issues that are elevated above any other person's needs and wants to discuss difficult and challenging topics is no kindness at all. Because life is going to continuously present us with situations and choices that we may not want to see or hear or experience, but that is not how life works. You can't just hope and prayer, close your eyes and ears, imagine and pretend these harsh realities away. And without any exposure, how will one learn how to manage and cope with them when they do arise? Or even recognize a cry for help and then know how to support the person in need?

The answer is ... we won't if we keep censoring people from speaking honestly and openly.

At times a person in need won't go to a professional seeking help with their issues. They will actively avoid them and instead reach out to others, even strangers they only just met in less than 12 hours.

If we constantly pretend that things like suicide don't happen or shouldn't be openly discussed, we are doing ourselves and those in peril a disservice in this modern society. Among adoptees, one in four takes their life. And if we continue to let a few people who prefer fantasy and disassociate themselves and others from being exposed to uncomfortable-for-them topics to avoid being "triggered", they will continue to expect the world to bend around them and cater to their needs and whims, and in the real world that is not how real life works. This protective bubble of so-called "kindness" is in fact very cruel in how it prevents people from having to deal with their own issues and puts the burden of their responsibilities on others.

We all have walls within, and if we let them stand and grow stronger, taller, thicker, wider, they will eventually become a prison and be barriers in learning how to cope with life in a healthy way, thus, taking away our opportunity to overcome and tear them all down to rebuild ourselves better.

Kori Dawn Marrone, 1975 - 1995